Dear God,
Because You evaluate so many billions of people, I'm concerned that I might have slipped through the cracks and that you might not realize just how glorious a person I am. Normally I'm not this insecure, but I feel that your judgment might be of considerable relevance, eternal damnation-wise.
To communicate how splendid I am, I'm writing formal letters of apology to the few people I've wronged throughout my life. And don't think you can pin that original sin thing on me, or I'll see you in court.
Thank You for Your time,
Jason Levy
P.S. Please do not feel that by opening this letter with "Dear God," I was taking Your name in vain. Not that I doubt Your knowledge of standard letter-writing procedure.
Dear Karin Tam,
Ten years ago I happened across your display at the mall, where you encouraged me to purchase perfume for my mother. After assuring me that you were not implying that my mother smells foul, you previewed several of your perfumes on my wrist, then called me just the rosiest thing you ever did see. Feminized enough, I grunted in a manly fashion and huffed off.
I would like to apologize. I'm sincerely sorry for not purchasing one of your olfactory potions for my allegedly stinky mother.
Sincerely,
Jason Levy
Dear Lactose Intolerant People,
When I was little and overheard adults discussing lactose intolerance, I misheard the sounds. I thought you suffered from a condition called "Lack Toast Intolerance." Today I realize that lactose is a vital organic molecule whose deficiency causes a great deal of harm, but at the time I thought you just really enjoyed toast.
I apologize for the confusion,
Jason Levy
Dear Barney,
I would like to apologize for butchering your song, "I love you; you love me." Your words of compassion were forever marred when I replaced them with, "I hate you; you hate me," and later with, "I touch you; you lick me," while under an especially potent intoxicant. I understand that it was not easy for you to frolic about with inner-city children in that bear monster dinosaur costume.
My sincerest apologies,
Jason Levy
Dear Southern People,
I often exploit Southern stereotypes to achieve cheap, easy laughs. For example, one time I caught my dog lusting at a same-sex horse, and I said, "He belongs in the South." This caused my coworkers to laugh uproariously and burst into appreciative applause, but I still feel guilty about offending you and your brothers/cousins.
I'm sorry,
Jason Levy
Dear Rebbecca Ostrich,
I'd like to sincerely apologize for my behavior in second grade, when I constantly yet hilariously berated your self-esteem. I was too young to realize that your last name, however ironically it described the size of your waist, was not your choice. So after your obesity causes you to die prematurely, please mention to God that I apologized and that I confessed to you how much I respect your ability to inhale hot dogs.
All the best,
Jason Levy
P.S. I added an extra "b" to your name, didn't I? Dear God, sorry about that!
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